Sundays have been hard for me ever since I moved away, removed from my friends and community whom I love like brothers and sisters. I am grateful to be in frequent touch, but it just isn’t the same. I haven’t been able to attend a church without thinking of the people at Westside A Jesus Church, imagining them there coming to embrace me. I used to think the altitude was the reason I had such a hard time singing along in church, but now I know it’s simply a broken heart, and I can only sit and listen as the words are cast forth.
On Sunday, I felt almost too emotional about going to church. It reminded me of the years I spent in Newberg, Oregon church hopping, looking for a place to go, visiting one church after another, being that new awkward person cracking a few forced smiles. Why does it seem like churches are a majority of the time either unfriendly or over friendly to the point that it’s fake? It’s kind of sad, but my intent is not to bash churches; it’s just ironic to think about. Besides the point is, that I deeply miss my friends 😦
When I was in church two Sundays ago, the pastor was speaking on sorrow, and it really spoke to how I felt. He emphasized how sorrow comes from having loved something genuinely and how feeling deep sorrow can allow us to go deeper in our relationship with God. I said ok, I am willing to embrace the sorrow to go deeper with you Lord! Yet, wondering what is the purpose you have for me here? What’s next?
A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes
And sunshine breaks through the clouds
I can cry out of sorrow and joy
Every drop of rain turns into a crystal in the sun
So wash my eyes, my clothes, my skin, my bones, my soul
My feet, my love
I’m not forgotten
I’m in your thoughts cause i feel sunshine in the rain